“Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.
Cast me not away from thy presence; and take not thy holy spirit from me.
Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit.”
– Psalm 51:10-12

As any “obedient” child, I was good at being seen but not heard.  I knew how to melt into the background so that others were not able to see and then criticize me.  In this solitude, I also developed a resilience to others’ opinions as I watched the insidiousness of men and what they did to each other: they promised one thing but did another, and they pretended to care but were just manipulating to get what they wanted.

In this isolation and observation, I also began to rely on this still quiet voice inside of me (1 Kings 19:11-12).  At the time, I had no idea that this was God, as the Holy Spirit, walking beside me like a narrator in a story to lead me with His truth instead of the emotion of men.  His voice was especially important when I’d face situations and my world would seem to spin out of control.  In my naivety and stupidity, I just assumed this voice was because I had been taught to have a ‘good head on my shoulders.’

Another result of wanting to be seen and not heard is that I’ve never wanted or sought to be a leader.  In my quietness, I’ve chosen to lead by example and just do the right thing.  My actions are the result of a resolve between God and myself.  If they are beneficial to others, that is great, but I can’t worry about what others think, want, or need.  I just have to mind my own business.

Lately, God has been giving me opportunities that have made me realize that I need to step up more often.  I need to do more than just take care of myself.  I need to actively look for the opportunities that put me in front and allow me to take care of others even if it means that someone else may look to me for an answer.

This is a terrifying responsibility to me, so I’ve kind of ignored the request and God in the process.  As a result, He’s slowly been removing that comforting voice that I’ve relied on so much.  One, it has made me realize that I don’t have a good head on my shoulders; I’ve had God beside me when I’ve made wise decisions.  I’ve also realized that He’s more than someone with all the answers to my questions; He’s a comfort and guide that loves me more than I can imagine (1 John 4:19).  And above all else, I need and want Him with me as I walk. 

Just like David in the fifty-first Psalm, “Cast me not away from thy presence; and take not thy holy spirit from me.”  I don’t know exactly what the next step in growth that He wants from me, but I know that I don’t want to do it without Him as my guide and comfort.  I still don’t have a good head on my shoulders, and never will, but my confidence comes from the one who created all heads and shoulders (Genesis 1:27).  So as long as I rely on Him, even when I’m helping someone else, it’ll be okay.

To those that have no confidence in yourself, take a deep breath, He doesn’t give life without purpose.  He is not a God of chaos, but a God of destiny (Romans 8:28).  Look for what He’s placed in your life, and start there.  Love those closest to you fiercely even when you can’t love yourself.  You may not know the end from the beginning, but all you have to know is the next step.  Let Christ take care of the rest.  You’re going to mess up, and you’re going to get it wrong, but like when we learn any new skill, improvement will come . . . as long as your heart is stayed upon Him.

“The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise.”
– Psalm 51:17

 – Written by Kati

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