“No man can enter into a strong man’s house, and spoil his goods, except he will first bind the strong man; and then he will spoil his house.”
– Mark 3:27

Let me say this up front, a large portion of your job as a parent is to not repeat the unhealthy patterns in your life to your child’s life. If you were abused, neglected, not provided for, or given no Christian example; you have the obligation to not repeat this pattern.

In my life I have had the privilege of working with people who were put in repeated life-threatening situations. Some of them had earned high medals for bravery. To a man, they would say, “If my family was in a bad situation, I would rush in to save them.” However, due to what they had been through, many of them were unable to go to school functions or sporting events for their kids. So I would a challenge them, “You are willing to lay down your life for your family, but you aren’t willing to risk the discomfort or anxiety that is triggered by being in public?”  In principle, they were able to sacrifice.  But when it came to the day-to-day commitment, it was difficult.

I see this same pattern playing out in my life and the lives of so many people. I know with my kids I want them to have a good example, but then I don’t make the sacrifice to set that example. I want them to know I am available to them but then I give my attention to the nonsense of my phone. I will be the first to say that I would do anything for my family, but then I fail to make the daily sacrifices that lead me to these goals.

So how do we get in family situations where the family isn’t doing well. First, we are reacting to patterns from the families that we came from. In general, if we come from a dysfunctional family, we will either repeat that pattern in our own family, because it is comfortable.  Or we will overreact to that pattern and cause problems running from what we saw as kids.

Here’s a brief example: if I was overly punished as a kid, I will have a tendency to do the same thing with my kids, because it is familiar.  Or I will have a tendency to not discipline my kids at all so that they don’t experience what I experienced. Both of these situations can lead to dysfunction in the child’s development. This repeating of patterns is probably the biggest reason for dysfunction in a family.

Probably the second most common reason there’s dysfunction in a family is because we as parents continue to not deal with our own past traumas.  This leads to resentment causing us to not be the people we need to be for our families. Here are some quick examples: I was made to work too hard as a kid; therefore, my kids will not have to work at all. Another example of this would be because I was not a good parent when my children were younger, I will give them whatever they want now to make up for this.

The third thing that I often see and what usually causes these patterns to persist is selfishness on your part.  As a parent, we see these patterns playing out in our lives, but we are not willing to make the sacrifices that are needed and to experience the pain that is needed to make these changes. Essentially, we choose our own comfort over the well-being of our families.

So how do we break these patterns in our lives?  In order to break these patterns, the first thing you have to do is identify those patterns. You have to be willing to take an honest look at your family and decide where things are going wrong. Let me tell you right away.  If you wait until things are catastrophic, it gets a lot harder to change these patterns. So if you are a young parent, it would probably benefit you to identify unhealthy patterns in your family early.

Here’s an example: if you were raised in a family where there was verbal abuse, you have to understand that in your family you will have a tendency to either be a verbal abuser or to be uninvolved to prevent this from happening. So a reasonable goal here would be to say, “I’m going to work towards discussing and implementing reasonable punishments and boundaries with my children rather than just yelling at them all the time.”  For each of you, these goals will look a little different in your family, but if you don’t have a target that you’re aiming for, you will never get there.

Let me make this very clear.  In order to reach the goals that you are setting in the above part, you are going to have to make a great deal of painful sacrifices in your life. The reason it will be painful is because these are patterns that have made sense to you in the past and that have seemingly worked for you to prevent the pain of your childhood or other past events. Now you are saying that they no longer work, and you must give them up. The survival part of your brain is going to fight to keep these patterns. As humans, we are almost always going to move back towards what makes us comfortable and what is easy. To get your family to where you think they need to be is going to require sacrifice and the tolerance of discomfort in your life.

One of the things that you’re going to have to accept is that your life may not be as pleasant as you want it to be. You may not see the changes in your life that you want. It may be your kids or your grandkids that benefit from the changes you make now. This is what true sacrifice for your family really is. It isn’t just about making the heroic sacrifice. It is about the everyday sacrifices. Can you do the things that you don’t like or that make you uncomfortable to set a good example for your family?

So to help clear this up, let me give you some examples.

• If you want your kids to escape poverty, can you make daily sacrifice to save up money for them?
• Can you give up a few things here and there to save money for them?
• Can you encourage your kids to do good in school?
• Can you find a way to help them with their school so they can get good jobs?
• Or maybe you put aside some money, so they have help getting started after school?

 

• If you want your kids to be good Christians, can you sacrifice time every night to read the Bible to them?
• Can you get up every Sunday and take them to church?
• Can you encourage and disciple them to do the right thing even if it means they won’t like you?

 

“Where there is no vision, the people perish: But he that keepeth the law, happy is he. You have to be that guiding vision for your family. You have to make the sacrifices to break the pattern.”
– Proverbs 29:18

– Written by Jeremiah

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