“Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth.”
– Mark 9:23

Do you ever feel like some things just keep repeating over and over in your life but you just can’t seem to get a handle on it? For a while now, God has been working on me to grow my faith. It’s been about a year now since I encountered a seemingly normal situation that God used to really make a point in my life.

I was attempting to preserve some kind of vegetable and one of the ingredients in the recipe was mustard seed. I am not sure if you know how small a mustard seed is, but it is very tiny. While I was in the process of measuring the exact amount of mustard seed into the jar, I managed to drop the entire container. Suddenly, mustard seed began to fly and bounce all over the kitchen. I don’t mean it just went splat on the floor, I mean it flew everywhere, bounced like a million tiny balls dribbling all over the floor.

I was so frustrated at the situation, and the mess it created was so overwhelming. It was just one more thing in a mountain of problems I was already frustrated about. While I was attempting to clean it up with the vacuum cleaner, I remembered the scripture about faith the size of a mustard seed.

“And Jesus said unto them, ‘Because of your unbelief; for verily I say unto you, if ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, ‘remove hence to yonder place,’ and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible to you.”
– Matthew 17:20

Alright God, I hear you.  In that moment, I thought about how tiny the mustard seed is, but how great having faith is. I have to admit this is not a strength of mine. I want to control everything; rely on no one; and if I can’t see it or experience it, I probably won’t believe it. But the funny thing about God is that He doesn’t care if you like it or not, if you are good at something, or even if you are ready. If you need it, He’s going to give it to you. And He is going to poke and prod you along the way (Acts 26:14). I was constantly reminded of this every time I got the vacuum out. It took months for me not to notice the mustard seed that had been left behind in some tiny little crack or crevasse or even in the vacuum cleaner itself.

Growing my faith wasn’t going to happen overnight.  So, in the last year since I dumped mustard seed all over the kitchen, He has given me so many challenges and situations to see if I was going to put my faith in Him, or if I was going to put my faith in myself.  It hasn’t been easy.  I have had to make a lot of choices and choose to ask God for direction in all of those choices.  I had to choose to have faith in His plan for our family, His protection over my girls and their futures, His healing after knee surgery, His healing over Chris’ eye surgery, and His plan for my future.

I have to admit that when something new happens my first instinct is to rely on myself and not trust God. I tend to jump back into fear, anxiety, worry, complaining, crying, and depression; because I can’t see a way through it. But part of growing my faith is to not stop there and to make a quicker change from faith in myself and how I can’t solve it to faith in God and how He can make a way. I have to flip my perspective. I have to turn to Him, pray, read scripture, and remember the promises that He has made to me.

So here I am about a year later, and it feels like the same song, second verse. I would like to say that I have arrived and my faith is unwavering, but that just simply isn’t the case. A few days ago, a new situation popped up. I was really struggling with understanding why this was happening. I was mad, sad, confused, and overwhelmed with despair. It left me feeling helpless and hopeless. I really want to have the faith that God is going to take care of it, His promises are true, and He wants what is best for me; or it’s going to be a good thing. So why don’t I feel it?  It isn’t about feeling it. I have to choose it.

“Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.”
– Hebrews 11:1

I chose to turn to God, pray, ask for His peace and understanding to fill me up; rather than fear, anxiety, and hopelessness. If I turn to Him, He will be there. He proved that to me a few days ago when I had an unusual experience. I was praying, and I began to see an image in my mind. It was the ocean – deep, dark, surrounded only by water.  Not a calm ocean, but a very rough, aggressive, fierce ocean. In the midst of the ocean, it was as if the water was rising up toward the sky surrounded by ferocious waves.

I noticed a boat in the middle of these violent waves being tossed here and there in the crest and troughs of the waves.  But even though it was being tossed around, it wasn’t sinking or being submerged in the water. It was just going back and forth, up and down, side to side as if it was in rhythm with this storm. The movements didn’t seem normal to me. It appeared tethered to something, because it would go out and come back.  But it was like it couldn’t go any further.

As I watched it being tossed around, I noticed that at the top of the boat, where a mast would be, a hand was reaching down and holding it between the thumb and first finger.  Wherever the boat was tossed the hand still held firmly, moving in rhythm with the waves and the fierce storm. I immediately thought about how if I was tethered to God, He would protect me. He controls me in the midst of the storm.  He loves me and wants what is best for me. Even in the storm, He doesn’t leave me. He doesn’t let go. In all of that, I choose to believe and have faith that He’s got this.

“For we walk by faith not by sight.”
– II Corinthians 5:7

I am not an expert. I am still searching and growing. This is by far not a scholarly definition of what faith is, but it is a real-life practical way that God is working in me. I could say that my mind created all of this, or I was just daydreaming.  But again, I choose to have faith that God was talking to me through the mustard seed and through the image of the boat. Not very conventional maybe, but very real to me; and in that, there is peace. All I have to do is have the faith to accept it.

– Written by Alisa

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