“The audacity! I can’t believe that kid just disrespected me.  He owes me respect, because I’m his elder.  I brought him into this world, and I can take him out.” 

Right?  For us that were raised by authoritative parents, we can get so enraged by anyone, especially our children when they disrespect us.  This means they could have looked at us with contempt, disgust, irritation, or just not complete and total respect . . . as we define it.  The idea is that we’re older, we’ve paid our dues, and we now know what to do and when to do it.  I mean we can be even more noble and claim that we’re protecting them, right?  If they did that to someone else, they might get punched in the face. We’re just teaching them a lesson, so they don’t get in trouble.

What have we done to deserve this complete respect and total trust?  I mean have all we done is bring them into this world?  What did bringing them into this world have to do with them?  It has much more to do with us and what we wanted (Ecclesiastes 7:1-2). What have we done with them and for them since they’ve arrived?  Kept them alive?  Great!  That’s the least we could’ve done.  How have we provided for them?  My guess is that the same way we’ve shown love, patience, tolerance, growth, acceptance is the same way they’re showing it back to us.

Think back to when they were young.  They would run to us wide-eyed and open armed every chance they got so that they could give us the biggest, nastiest, most slobbery kiss or hand us whatever they had in their hands.  How did we respond in those moments when that was all they could give us?  Did we love them and return the same enthusiasm and endless love, or were we always looking for the lesson they needed to learn at the time?  How did we treat them when we were frustrated, tired, and overwhelmed?  In all of those moments, they learned how to interpret the world around them.  Time after time when we refused to let go of our own scars, they matured and realized that they were not always going to get open arms and a hug when they offered.  We slowly taught them to not trust, to not love, and to pass on our pain to the next generation.

And we say what audacity they have to roll their eyes or to show frustration.  What audacity we have to take such an amazing gift from God and squash the spirit and gifts that God has placed inside.  What audacity that we have to think that God was there to help us, and we didn’t turn to Him when we were hurting and ask for guidance.  What audacity to think that the end result is all that matters, not the process.  God was with us each step of the way with His words and His love trying to heal us so that we could love them (1 Corinthians 16:14).

As you can tell, I have teenagers at the moment, and although my children are much better than I’ll ever be thanks to God and His grace that has covered a multitude of my mistakes made in fear, ignorance, and selfishness, it is not easy.  These innocent babies, toddlers, and small children are becoming more and more independent, and I’m very thankful for that.  But part of that process is them learning autonomy, or the ability to see the world outside of the small picture I’ve painted for them as a mother and to make decisions on their own.  They’ve both asked Jesus into their hearts.  Thank you, Jesus!  Part of that process, though, is them learning how to navigate decisions (including our relationship) between God and themselves, not just the rules I’ve established. I need to allow that relationship – between God and themselves – to grow during these last few years ‘under my roof,’ so that I can guide and help them.  If I do not allow that, they’ll be completely lost as young adults.

They’re beginning to see things that I’ve done as a mother that they don’t like, and that’s okay.  Thank God they don’t want to repeat everything I’ve taught them by how I’ve acted.  They’re also beginning to make stupid decisions from a lack of maturity and forethought.  That’s okay, too.  I can pull rank and stop them when it’s so stupid that it’s endangering them or someone else to such a degree they’re not able to fix the consequences they’ll create.  But it’s good to let them make mistakes.  How else will they learn?  My job as mom is shifting.  I still love them to death, despite their messiness, as they’re learning to do the same with me.

I know that all of us have children, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, students, and others in our care that are at different developmental stages, so I guess the take home message is to be in each moment.  Love whoever is in your care as fiercely as you can, let them be the person God created, and correct them when they’re lack of decision-making abilities will endanger them or someone else.  This gives them the confidence of love from God, the ability to be comfortable in themselves and who God created them to be, and wisdom to explore the world with optimism knowing they can fix their mistakes . . . but they must not hurt themselves or others in the process.

I am by no means saying that I’m a perfect parent.  Many times I’m shown where I’ve failed my boys, but I continue to go back to God, reconsolidate my motives and actions, and then try again.  I have to trust that the spark God put in each of them is pure and seeking Him, even if it is not exactly what I want for them or the path I had created in my mind for them.  If you will continue this process, God will be with you as many times as you need Him as He’s the perfect parent for us and them.

“Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right. Honour thy father and mother; which is the first commandment with promise; That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth.  And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.
– Ephesians 6:1-4

– Written by Kati

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