Have you ever had so much doubt in God that you are unsure of what you believe?  Well, I have.  Five weeks ago, I lost my horse, but he was not a horse to me. He was my best friend, my companion.  He was there for me in ways I didn’t know at the time. I am angry with myself and with God. I am angry that I did not notice anything wrong; I messed with him that morning, and I missed it. It was my fault.  I did not catch it in time.  I am angry that God did not take my horse; He took my best friend. Every time I messed with him, I would say, “Bye.  See you later.”  But this time, I said, “Goodbye.  I love you, and I will miss you.”  I never thought I would say those words so soon.

If God knew I loved him, why did He take him away? Why did God not heal him?  Ever since that day, I have constantly repeated a song called “Valley of Worship.”  It says that God can turn a “valley of death into a valley of worship.”  I struggle with the thought of turning a valley of doubt, a valley of anger, a valley of sadness, into a valley of faith, into a valley of love, into a valley of laughter.  I have struggled with doubt before but not like this, like the kind where you lose your faith in God. If you let the doubt in God control you, you will lose your faith.

I know now more than ever that during your deepest struggles is when you will be tempted. When you are vulnerable, Satan attacks. You must hold strong in the hardest times, even when it is hard, even when you doubt, even when you are unsure what you believe.  I am still learning how, but I think the way to do this is to lay it all down.  Every emotion, every thought, everything you have, lay it down. If anyone knows what you are going through, it is God; so lay it at His feet. God is the most understanding, caring, and loving person. God endured watching His own son, not only die for our sins but die in suffering and pain. God understands everything you go through.  He knows every tear, every pain, every thought of uncertainty.

I fully believe God knew I needed Pal.  He knew I needed him, because he was my best friend. He knew I needed him, because he taught me things I never knew I needed. He taught me how to fully love something. He taught me how to see the good under the surface.

The devil tells me, “Don’t get another horse. Don’t get one.  It will die and break your heart again.”  But guess what?  The devil doesn’t know the outcome, but God does.  God knows everything way before it happens and does not do anything without a purpose. Even if I get another horse, and it dies; God will be there with me just like He was for me with Pal. Do not let the devil stop you from what you love.  Pal gave me the love for everything. He lit a spirit in me. When I saw him, I saw God’s marvelous creations. I saw God’s love for me through his eyes. Why would I let Satan keep me from that again?

Even though I questioned God and even though I was unsure I believed anymore, did not mean I would never love Him again. The first day, I was okay.  Then the second and third day came around, and I really missed him.  By the end of the week, I was losing my faith, but then a couple days later, I did it.  I wrote everything I was feeling, everything I was dealing with and gave it to God. I laid it at His feet and that built me up. Not only did it built me up, but it built my faith in God up.

I still cannot find why God took him from me, but I do believe He does everything for a purpose.  In Ecclesiastes chapter 3 it says, “A time to be born, and a time to die . . . A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance.”  As I move forward, I am still going to have days of doubt, days of tears, days of asking why, but I know even in the uncertainty, God is right there going through it with me. Hold fast to what you know and believe . . . even when Satan tempts you at your most vulnerable moments.

– Written by Kerah
(13 years old)

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