“We then that are strong ought to bear the infirmities of the weak, and not to please ourselves. Let every one of us please his neighbour for his good to edification. For even Christ pleased not himself; but, as it is written, The reproaches of them that reproached thee fell on me. For whatsoever things were written aforetime were written for our learning, that we through patience and comfort of the scriptures might have hope.”
– Romans 15:1-4

If, as parents, we are the strong, bearing the infirmities of the weak, our children, then we must put away our selfishness. Yes, the scripture is for neighbors, but if that is what He expects that we do for neighbors, or fellow believers, how much more responsible are we for those in our care.

My husband and I were doing some volunteer work in the community a few years ago, and I was saddened by a proud teenage boy that was explaining how his stepdad was raising him to become an independent young man. The kid would come to help out when possible and was the hardest working kid you had ever seen. He was always looking for ways to help, and if a man in the community offered a lesson on how to change a tire, drive, hook up a trailer, tie a tie, anything, he was there to learn. As his stepdad had told him, he was doing him a favor to provide a roof over his head and meals. The kid could learn the rest on his own. The man was sure ‘teaching’ the kid resilience, but he wasn’t following Christ’s example of a neighbor in Romans 15:1, much less a father.

This mentality of independence and “figuring it out on our own” runs deep, and the irony is that our kids aren’t. They’re not figuring out anything on their own any more than we were able to do when we were children. Skills can be taught by anyone, but children, like all of us, need a home – a safe place – where they can learn how to navigate relationships. Without this foundation, they flounder and search for love from whomever will give it (Matthew 19:14).

This poor kid was desperately running back and forth and piecemealing his learning from where he could find it, but the basic foundation of humanity was a hole. The one he looked to for love and acceptance wasn’t giving it to him. He needed a father, and whether his stepdad provided it or not, he’d find that role from someone. As parents, this scripture is not telling us to teach independence by pushing our children away from us, but to put away our laziness and selfishness and quit worrying about our own fears. We need to focus on how we can edify or help them.

For me, as my children are now adolescents, I’ve had to transition from being their all to becoming an advisor and guide. Yes, they’re still under the authority of my husband and me as parents, but they’re learning how to process the big world around them by how they interact with those they love: parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, and uncles. These skills are not developed overnight but nurtured and taught daily by our living example. No matter what we say, they’re going to learn what we do.

If I cannot learn to trust God and be guided by Him even when I am tired, rushed, overwhelmed, or even frustrated with them, then how will they begin to treat others? My lectures, punishments, and sour looks won’t shape this genuine and authentic interaction as much as me living it. At times, this can be a heavy weight to bear, because I’ve got to learn to set my emotions of intimidation through yelling and shaming aside, and take the time to teach them by having a conversation with them about what they’re learning, struggling with, or even pondering when they daydream.

In the moments I do this, I get a small glimpse into their little souls and am humbled by the opportunity to help them learn about God, but at the same time, I must make sure I am pursuing that refining myself. They are perceptive, and they will turn off to hypocrisy, not imperfection, but an unwillingness to grow ourselves.

I am thankful daily for the gift of parenthood that God has given me, and I pray that I “bear the infirmities of the weak,” as Christ “pleased not Himself,” but looked around to see how He could help others (Romans 15:1-4). If you’re not a parent, think of those in your charge or, as the scripture says, your neighbors – or fellow believers. Take the opportunities of interaction, put away your selfishness of fear, anxiety, exhaustion, and see what you can do to help. As Pa has told us many times, we can choose to be the missionary or the mission field.

“Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.”
– Proverbs 22:6

– Written by Kati

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