I sit there waiting. Any second now I know deep down inside that the little voice in the back of my head will come back. The silence echoes in my mind and eats away at me. Its stillness is almost paralyzing. “Worthless, mistake, unwanted…” There it is. The first domino falls, and the voice in the back of my head becomes deafening. “Useless, stupid, don’t bother, you’re nothing but a poser, why do you keep trying? You know you’ll never be able to do it.”
In the past, I would turn to conversation or the presence of a friend to avoid this silence never really dealing with the issue itself. As much as I would love to do that now (Because why fix it if it’s not broken?), this form of coping is broken. I was running, avoiding, and doing literally anything I could to not feel so alone. I would chase friendships that I knew were never going to work out and stay in relationships out of fear of being alone.
I was so alone in junior high. I know that this is where all of these horrible thoughts come from when I’m alone, and until recently, I’ve kept running. But now I’m alone, and that’s okay.
No matter how lonely I feel or how quiet it gets, God is still with me. It still hurts. Don’t get me wrong. I’ll be upfront about it. But as I stop running and start working through all of these layers of an emotional onion, I don’t have to do any of it on my own. I can turn to Him.
The silence can be filled with prayer, worship, reading, or even just talking to Him. And when I feel like I can’t keep carrying all of this weight. He’s there to catch me. I may be alone, but I have more support than I ever have.
Don’t let the world convince you that there’s something inherently wrong with being by yourself or that the solution to be being lonely is surrounding yourself with people, because believe me, you can be in a crowded room or with that one person and still feel just as alone. But if you turn to God, and just embrace Him and His presence, He takes that pain and turns it into this incredible realization of His love.
It won’t be fast, and it certainly won’t happen overnight. You’ll still feel it, but eventually it gets better.
Just try it.
When it’s silent, turn on worship music.
When you need someone to listen, talk to Him.
When you need company, read your Bible. He’ll talk to you.
When you just need to cry and let everything out, let Him hold you.
I promise you. I know from experience that no matter how much you cry or how ugly you cry, you can’t run Him off. If God had a gold coin for every time I’ve just come to Him crying with snot running down my face, He could repave the golden streets in heaven.
You’re never truly alone, and neither am I. It gets dark, it gets quiet, it gets hard, but you’ve got God. Don’t shut Him out. Psalm 46:1 “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.”
I leave you with lyrics from a song (Another in the Fire) that has helped me.
There was another in the fire
Standing next to me
There was another in the waters
Holding back the seas
And should I ever need reminding
Of how I’ve been set free
There is a cross that bears the burden
Where another died for me
— Written by Michaela