I have always aspired to be a strong and determined person.  I’ve had the mindset that if I work hard enough and long enough, I can get what I want, when I want.  Afterwards, I would then thank God for my blessings, but I never had I really allowed Him into my journey.  He was never a part of the process.

In one of my moments of defeat, my husband simply said that until I realized that I was broken and needed God, I wouldn’t grow any more, and I would continue to struggle.  I didn’t know whether to be offended or inspired, so I just stopped my pouting fit and asked what he meant.  His explanation has begun a new process in me that I am trying to walk through right now.

“Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.”
– 2 Corinthians 12:10

This verse had already been laid on my heart a while back, and I was learning to acknowledge that I needed God when I was struggling.  When I was struggling with life, I was learning to say, “God, I need you and your insight.  What do you need from me?” instead of just fighting my way out of my struggles.  This was necessary for me, but now I am learning that I need God ALL the time.  He’s not just a nice ornament to have around occasionally. Without Him, I am broken ALL the time.

I need Him when I am struggling, and I need Him when I seem content with life.  I need Him in the morning when I am ready to see what the day has for me, and I need Him at night when I am exhausted.  It is only with Him and through Him that I would be able to mature and quit living life from episode to episode.

With this new realization, I have been more at peace when I am stressed, when I am relaxed, when I feel like a failure, because I am realizing that He is with me, sustaining and holding me in all of these situations. It is the difference between being pushed off of a bridge and Him holding me so that we glide to the ground to walk for a while. When I am embarrassed, I am okay, because God’s got me. When I feel challenged, instead of fighting back, I let God hold me in the moment of fear, because He will guide me.  I am not facing the world alone.

I am also no longer completely defeated when I am going through a growing phase.  In the past, my thought was that if I continued to fight and conquer the current struggle in my life, I would be complete and able to rest.  How naïve and shallow. God will continually guide us and grow us until we go on to the next phase.  He is a God of relationship and life, and there is no life without growth.  So, instead of feeling defeated when I am faced with the challenges of life, I am trying to accept them as opportunities to understand God and His infinite wisdom.  I will never understand Him completely, nor be able to immolate Him perfectly, but as I trust Him, He will show more of His love to me.

“Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.”
– Proverbs 3:5-6

 I pray that we both learn that God can be with us in ALL that we do.

 — Written by Kati

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