Let me introduce myself, I am Ky. I’m the wife of Lee and the mother of Eli and Kerah. We are nearly 150 blogs into this blog writing, and this will be my first one. I have not written a blog because; one, I feel like I have nothing to say, and two, the thought of reading my blog out loud terrifies me. Until recently, I would have told you that I don’t suffer from anxiety. However, I’m coming to the realization that I have anxiety when it comes to a situation that does not have a “right or wrong” answer and when I have to talk about myself. Sometimes, I just start talking and I begin to feel the tears coming up. Then other times, I can’t say anything, because my heart is pounding, my body feels like it’s shaking, and the tears begin to POUR out. Just writing this blog makes tears come, and then the thought of reading it out loud is even worse.
I have struggled with my weight all my life. I have gained and lost weight multiple times. I was at my goal weight and doing great. Then, COVID hit. During the changes COVID brought on, I returned to my old habits and put all the weight back on that I had worked so hard the previous two years to lose. I thought that I had finally faced my demons and was done with the roller coaster, but I wasn’t.
In the last three years I have had a knee injury and been dealing with painful plantar fasciitis, while trying to exercise and get back in shape. During this time, I have been struggling with being the “weakest link.” I put everything I have into the workouts, and I’m still the last to finish and not losing any weight. Having the injury and continued pain from plantar fasciitis has set me back even further. However, I am learning during this process a few things. One, I cannot compare myself to others as we are each unique and made by God with our own strengths and weaknesses. God knew this would happen and knew that this was a process I needed to go through. I cannot think that I am behind, but that I am where I’m at and that I just have to work hard to continue to improve and give my best each and every day. Two, I cannot quit just because it has gotten harder. There are things that I can work on even if I can’t use my knee or foot like I was. Third, I know that what I do and say influences those around me, especially my kids. Therefore, I have to keep going to show them that obstacles won’t stop us, but that they just make us stronger in the end.
I know that my weight is rooted somewhere in my lack of self-esteem and never feeling accepted, so this was a way I could try to control something. I have always felt that I was not good enough. Having a sister, Kati, only 13 months older, we competed in everything (consciously and subconsciously). I usually came in behind her. I also was expected to be the son my dad wanted. In addition, my food intake was always highly controlled and that is why when I went off to college, I hit one of the highest weights I’ve ever been. I was always struggling to find my place in my family and then also among peers. I never felt I was good enough, and I could never be as good as Kati. So I took on the role as the more rebellious black sheep of the family. This has led to these struggles that I have now of feeling unworthy and never good enough.
However, I am working to remind myself that God says in Psalms 139, “I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” If I really slow down and evaluate this scripture, I realize that God is speaking directly to me and saying that I, Ky, am fearfully and wonderfully made. No matter what the world or people think of me, God created me, and He has a plan for me. Therefore, I need to trust in Him and lean on Him. Sometimes it is really hard to hold on to this truth and not spiral back into myself.
Somedays, I do okay and then some days it is like I run into a brick wall, and all these emotions try to drown me. I know this is Satan trying to creep into my thoughts to pull me away from God and into my thoughts of not being good enough. When this happens, I must rebuke Satan by quoting a scripture. Psalms 56:4 says, “In God I will praise his word, in God I have put my trust; I will not fear what flesh can do unto me.” Saying and meditating on this scripture brings me peace and realigns me with God. Sometimes I have to say it over and over. This requires faith and trust in God. If you find yourself in a similar situation, find you a scripture to meditate on until you have peace.
— Written by Ky
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